I guess we are both tired

 sometimes I look at aspects of life that are to be attained in the somewhat near future, hopefully,

and with the lack of love I feel for myself and the lack of effort from you

those ours turn to mines

and the things that I pictured doing with you no longer involve a duo

only a solo

its the exhaustion I sense, and I don't think its in my head, when you say I love you

its the lack of care I see when you and I both know there is something wrong

I go on rambling and you go on expressing empty apologies just for things to be alright

its the validation I seek from you because my mom doesn't know better with her loved ones

and the lack of openness when you talk about your feelings

crying in my lap with no explanation but 

shoving yourself to the front of the line to listen to my problems 

you see yourself as a savior maybe, not just my savior

for anyone who needs one

maybe that is just you being a good person

I guess I am the one who has this problem of wanting to feel special all the time

wanting to have someone now who loves me like you used to 

I somehow learned to hate myself as you grew to love yourself

I don't know how this happened really

and when I play back the events of our story I get lost in all the amazing memories we have

and the few bad ones

forgetting all the little times that I felt criticized 

belittled

and anything else that can drive a small needle through someones skin

just deep enough to feel the slightest bit of pain

I know you love me

but now I wish you would show me that you love me

I don't like asking and I hate opening up to you

and somehow when I tell you what makes me cry 

too many tears

I am the one who says sorry 

before you think about apologizing for things that have been said

things that have been done

sketching me out to be plagued with minor insanity as a significant other 

when all I have ever wanted

and still do want

is someone to look at my lips and can't help but kiss them because the burning feeling of wanting something so much makes you feel like you are drowning

hear my voice and want to listen because it sounds as if someone is playing symphony

I say things I don't mean more often than I say things that I do 

I honestly don't know why and I have to spend awhile trying to make 

everything I say mean something 

just so that I don't say the wrong thing

even though my mouth can't help but move too slow or too fast for 

any sentence to be heard with intent

I wish you would have learned this by now

maybe you have and are just tired

I guess I am tired of making you feel tired

aggravated with my need for 'I love yous'

maybe its all in my head

but if I told you that 

everything being all in my head

that would be the only part of my entire declamation of how I feel

that you would agree, covering your harm with a smile and a laugh

I tend to invalidate my own emotions but speak them with confidence just before

to lessen the blow of when I see the irritation spread through your body

ending with the last glance before you say your hollow 'im sorrys'

we were once beautiful and light

challenging and learning all in the same steps that we took together

inspiring one another and holding each other accountable

now a sense of comfort has taken over and I am the one that is tired

I wonder if it will be the day that I stop telling you when im angry

or I hide to cry on my lonesome 

I hope we can fix this before that day comes

because with the list of everything that hurts my heart

I wonder if losing you would hurt even worse

I still love you

I guess we are both just tired.