my insecurities about love lately (that are probably not true but still felt)

what is and what should is a tiring alarm that plays in my mind when thinking of love. settling was against my nature until I found someone worth settling for and all of a sudden all I wanted was them over myself. they always love me more at first until I cave against my own intuition and the compassion leaves their body and doubles in mine. 

being in love is a beautiful thing, but when I was 11 years old my mom always told me all beauty is pain. I was getting my eyebrows waxed for the first time, not know I would say goodbye to my some-what full eyebrows until they finally grew back in my early twenties. I winced and fell into the rabbit hold of habit ,that couldn't be broken, constantly thinking, pain equals beauty. not a single "sometimes" was in sight. 

I guess that is why I have always felt like love is supposed to hurt. the settling is worth the pain because loving someone is beautiful; neglecting the fact that I am the one who hasn't truly felt loved. the cute messages, love letters, and longing looks into each other's eyes left my current love language to learn another pairs. no more questions to learn about me, constantly thinking that he already knows everything. they always think they know everything.

the change in care as time plagues a relationship is the killer in every romance story I have starred in. constantly feeling like an option, knowing that he can choose me last.