yearning

sometimes I wonder if the effects of feeling adrift are what lead to my chaotic spirals of emotional pushing and pulling. I look at who I was, when things were easier; but when I really think about it, I am enveloped by the realization that I have always made things harder than need be. not knowing which direction to go so instead, I stand in the crossroads of left and right, forwards and back. on days like today, I don't feel my courageous self, making my lips curl up into a smile - I can't help but wonder the cause or possible causes. Of course it is me, but what about me makes all of this happen. the embodiment of twenty two is somehow lighter than nineteen but heavier than twenty, with barely any recollection for twenty-one. the craving to constantly man up when inside I am a lost woman with no ambition towards acting in control of most things. my ambitions are gentle and my motivation comes and goes, looking around this whirlwind of people who are constantly running and jumping from success to success - my comparisons overcome me. the constant telling that I want to feel loved before I touch success, maybe this makes me nothing more than a fool but I never cared for big houses, and credit cards with no limits, designer bags, and constant bi-weekly maintenance of my appearance. the only thing I have ever longed for, truly wanted more than anything, was to be surrounded by so much love that learning to love myself would come so easily. im not saying I agree with this way that I live, yearning for things that shatter my independence. my gratitude for all relationships that exude love is something I have not found in another person. it's a lonely life living like this, but I really have a feeling something is going to change soon.