Nostalgia : A Diary Entry (writing through writer's block)

I miss the pain of fifteen. fixating my personality around people that I loved, people that I thought I loved, and things unique to me that were not unique at all. I call them things because this category of interests was so vast that they couldn't just be cds, clothes, stuffed animals, these special pens that were too expensive and didn't even write that well, tv shows, and whatever else that could be defined in such a broad way, such as a 'thing'. Being twenty-three has made me miss my obsessions, niche fixations turned into coping mechanisms that held my hand throughout my adolescence. My adult self dreams of having something that I don't consume or overuse. Without having these obsessions I feel as if my personality is a boring building block, sitting by itself waiting to be picked up or compensated for. What a negative mindset, and an even worse feeling.

I miss the pain of 19, the minuscule heartbreak that comes with leaving a three year long high school romance to find someone new right after. someone new that would break my heart ten fold just months later. My first real experience of love and what it means to overextend each of your vertebrates just for them to rearrange every bone in your body. Metaphorically of course. The pain of nineteen is something that was so pivotal to my human experience, I sometimes wonder where I would be if I didn't love the way I did. If I didn't hurt others the way I did. I got everything that came for me. I loved it all and cried, happy to feel. I didn't realize it then, the pain of nineteen was one of my most important pains. I miss it sometimes - I miss it more than the people I lost during that year.

I miss the pain of twenty. A year that I danced more than I walked and drank more than I ever have. My blood was more tequila than blood and my nose was covered in powder that didn't come in a compact. Twenty was an unhinged pain, a lot of it I don't even remember. I think it is normal to miss things you don't remember in hopes that the memories will come back to you. I was living a nightmare of a dream with experiences so golden but once scrubbed you just see copper. I am not sure if it was the pain of heartbreak that led me to make such decisions. It has been years and I am still unsure of the motivation that led me to act in ways that could be categorized as self harm. I had marks on my body from the hands of strangers and so much money in my pocket that actual adults wouldn't know what to do with. Twenty was a fun brutal pain. I hope to remember more of the pain of twenty.

The pain of twenty-three is something I am currently experiencing; curious to see what I will miss about this hurt. Some of my friends are married with a family, beautiful children running around a house that belongs to just them. A car in the garage and dinner on the table for four. some of my friends are completely unsure of their wants and needs - living up their twenties for the foreseeable future. I am caught in this in-between of wants and figuring out my needs. experiencing a new heartbreak that takes up a fraction of my pain for this period. I want to do everything that has ever peaked my interest. The pressure that comes with twenty-three slaps you in the face and forces you to age. For me at least. I can't help but think about my childhood and my teenage years; everything that has led me to now. Current pain is hard to look at, especially looking at what is happening for what it is. All I can say is, I have never smoked more cigarettes in my life nor have I enjoyed the presence of the women around me so much. I wonder how much I will miss this pain. I am not entirely sure if it is normal or okay to think about missing the pain you currently feel.