A Day of Last September
my sheets are stained from cigarette ash and food I only sometimes finish with a floor that hasn't been swept in days. I woke up with the sun in my face thinking today would be the day that I finally started to change but I cursed myself without knowing by thinking that thought in the first place. whenever I tell myself "today will be the day" it never is. twelve hours of not knowing where I am, a weekly occurrence, went by and I ended up driving past the part of town where I fell in love with the person who I am not currently with. I didn't drive down his street or look at our favorite cafes so I know I am finally moving past what was but I don't know where I am so the comfort I search for is anything but comforting. my jaw is moving round and round like a carousel, but the ride I am on has no childlike feel to it. I keep looking at the plastic bag full of nothing but gasoline to power this carousel wondering if I should flush it or finish it.
I don't know what it is truly like to feel content in a room with just myself - I am scared. not as scared as how I feel knowing I am smoking one of the last hits of my last cigarette in a pack that I wish I didn't buy. I tell myself the truth about it all only to not change how I act when I wake up in the morning. I am just happy I bought a bottle of water instead of a bottle of tequila from the liquor store across from the haven that has fed my addiction. I am on the brink of not functioning as someone who can't be alive without a vice hugging me. even when people hug me it doesn't comfort me the same. love is honest and it is hard to digest when I am always lying to myself. my daily celebration is taking my makeup off before I pass out onto a pillow that is never my own. the man I am with is not man enough to go against me, only soft enough to join me. to know better does not mean doing better and I want to be anywhere except in front of a mirror that shows me the damage I have done. maybe one day I will not want to bully myself into oblivion anymore and finally control it, even if that means to stop it.
September 24, 2025